We made it through the first year! Wow. I consider this a huge accomplishment. We survived. Harper survived. We made it! In spite of the doubt and straight up not knowing what the hell-o we were doing at times, here we are, one year later, with an amazing kid on our hands. Incredible. Thank you, Jesus!
As expected, I’m feeling many different things today. I’m joyful because I have a beautiful, happy and healthy ONE YEAR OLD
baby little boy. Then there’s a part of me that’s sad because he isn’t an itty bitty baby anymore. He hasn’t been a newborn for a while, but today it’s really hitting me that all that stuff is over…gone! Blows my mind! And at the same time, another part of me is SO dang happy that he ISN’T a newborn anymore!
I know. It sounds stupid. I miss it and I don’t miss it all at once. I miss him being tiny and cuddly. I miss the noises he used to make (click here if you want to here some of the cute noises). I miss the pouty lip he used to give me if I didn’t give him his bottle quick enough. I miss actually having to hold his bottle for him. I miss him sleeping on my chest.
I don’t miss the depression. the loneliness. Or the anxiety. I don’t miss being so anxious about him waking up that I couldn’t sleep. I don’t miss being so anxious about the possibility of him never waking up again that I couldn’t sleep. I don’t miss his 20-30 minute naps (the longer ones are so much better). I don’t miss the jerky movements that would wake him up ALL the time even though he was swaddled.
I could go on and on about the things I miss and don’t miss from that time. I think the hardest part about having a newborn for me, was just not feeling like myself, not knowing what I was doing and not having support because we were in a new place.
As most of you know, we moved four hours away from friends and family a week after we had Harp. I was recovering from a c-section and Benji was at a new job so he couldn’t take off to help me. I just had to tough it out through the pain and the emotions. To put it simply: it sucked 🙂
I never really shared what I was going through on my blog or on Facebook. In fact, if you were reading my blog at the time, you probably thought I was super happy. I certainly wanted to appear that way. I wanted to feel that way too…but I didn’t.
I had a few close friends that knew what I was going through, but other than that, I didn’t really talk about it. I wanted to seek help for PPD, but I didn’t have a doctor in Memphis. With a newborn on my hands, making a trip to the doctor for myself just seemed like one more thing that would make life harder. Looking back, I wish I would have sought treatment. Maybe then I would have enjoyed the first couple of months of Harper’s life.
Regardless…we survived. By January, I felt like myself again and I truly began to enjoy being a mom (I credit lots and lots of prayer for this). I didn’t feel like a zombie anymore and I was beginning to get the hang of things. I didn’t cry all the time and I began to feel happy about the sacrifices I was making for Harp. I guess it just took three months to get over the shock of someone else depending on me 100% for their own survival.
Before Harp got here, I really thought I knew what this mom thing would be like. I spent the entire time I was pregnant reading and researching, but I still wasn’t prepared for it. I really don’t think you can be until you’re here. It’s amazing. There are times when it’s easy breezy and then there are times when it is incredibly hard. There are so many things that I love about it. And a few things I don’t really care for, but I wouldn’t change it for the world.
With all that being said, here is a little video I put together for Harp’s birthday. You knew I would. It’s just some of my favorite pictures from the past year.What an amazing year it has been!
Happy birthday, Harper! Your daddy and I are so blessed to call you our own.