A post I had hoped to never write…

Benji and I lost our baby. I really don’t even know what to say about it. I didn’t want to put it on Facebook and I didn’t want to write about it here, but I felt like I had to. I posted on Facebook because everyone knew we were expecting and someone would’ve eventually asked “how are you feeling?” or “how’s the pregnancy going?” And I would’ve had to personally tell them about our loss and I’m not a fan of awkward situations. I’m posting here because I blogged about my cat dying. I know. It’s kind of silly. I just think something would be off if I wrote about Mumbles passing and didn’t write about our baby.

So here I am. Feeling incredibly vulnerable and wishing we would’ve never told a soul that we were pregnant because then I wouldn’t be dealing with this. Part of me IS glad that some people know – I’m thankful for close friends and family who are holding us up through all of this – I just wish the whole world didn’t know. But they do. Can’t change that now.

I’m not ready to revisit the day everything happened yet, so I’m just going to post a picture of a journal entry I made on 03/08/2011. This feels really risky for me. I actually asked Benji whether or not he thought I should share it because I didn’t want people to think I’m nuts. He said I should share it and just not care what others think…so I am.

First, a little back-story. God uses the number 222 to communicate with me (see…I told you I’d sound crazy). I always see it right before a big change is coming to us. I saw it the day before the miscarriage and ALL day long on the day it actually happened. I can’t really explain it and don’t know why God uses this number, but he does.

And the next explanation: the “request” I’m referring to in this entry is one that I made when I was 14. My step-sister passed away very suddenly in a car wreck and I prayed to God that he would never take someone away from me without letting me know first (so I could say goodbye).

Now that all of that is out of the way, here is the entry:

So there you have it. My journal is always there for me when I have weird things to write down that can’t be shared with anyone else šŸ™‚

I know it’s strange, but I am so comforted by these two pages. God knew in advance and in a way…so did I. I was feeling a bit forgotten by him at first, but this reminded me that he is in this. He is right here in the trenches with us and always has been. I don’t understand why this happened – not even in the slightest – but I know he is holding us and for now, that’s enough.

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5 thoughts on “A post I had hoped to never write…

  1. Plum says:

    Love you…praying for you. Keep your eyes on Him!

  2. JANET HOLSONBACK says:

    MY SWEET BABY GIRL….NEVER BE ASHAMED TO SHARE WHAT YOU KNOW IN YOUR HEART IS REAL TO YOU….THAT DOESNT MAKE YOU CRAZY IT MAKES YOU A CHILD OF GOD FOR HAVING SOO MUCH FAITH THAT YOU BELIVE THAT GOD IS GIVING YOU SIGNS….I BELIVE THAT ANGELS WATCHES OVER US EVERY DAY…AND I KNOW THAT GOD IS WITH US EVERY MIN OF EVERY DAY…HE NEVER LEAVES US….I PRAY THAT GOD KEEPS COMFORTING YOU AND BENJI THRU YOUR LOSS OF YOUR PRESIOUS BABY…..YOU AND BENJI ARE IN MY PRAYERS….

  3. Megg says:

    Wow, that’s really amazing. I’m so sorry that you’re dealing with this, because I can’t imagine how hard it is, even knowing what you knew beforehand. But I’m glad that you can see God in it, even if it is hard. Keep looking to Him. šŸ™‚

  4. Diana Geist says:

    Not strange at all. God actually uses the numbers “111” and “444” with me a lot to communicate certain things…I get it. I also get the feeling of wanting a “do over” after being vulnerable with personal or special information. Bless you! May God give you and Benji the exact cacoon needed at this time. After the pain takes its course and finds a new look and new place in your hearts, you both will emerge like the beautiful butterfly…full of hope and grace and ever more equiped to minister to others.

  5. Theresa says:

    I can’t hold you up enough in my thoughts and prayers. I love that God has seen you through this and there’s been a strange peace throughout. I am so grateful for His presence in your life and for the relationship you have with Him. I am always here dear friend and I look forward to rejoicing over many births and creations in your life.

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