Benji and I lost our baby. I really don’t even know what to say about it. I didn’t want to put it on Facebook and I didn’t want to write about it here, but I felt like I had to. I posted on Facebook because everyone knew we were expecting and someone would’ve eventually asked “how are you feeling?” or “how’s the pregnancy going?” And I would’ve had to personally tell them about our loss and I’m not a fan of awkward situations. I’m posting here because I blogged about my cat dying. I know. It’s kind of silly. I just think something would be off if I wrote about Mumbles passing and didn’t write about our baby.
So here I am. Feeling incredibly vulnerable and wishing we would’ve never told a soul that we were pregnant because then I wouldn’t be dealing with this. Part of me IS glad that some people know – I’m thankful for close friends and family who are holding us up through all of this – I just wish the whole world didn’t know. But they do. Can’t change that now.
I’m not ready to revisit the day everything happened yet, so I’m just going to post a picture of a journal entry I made on 03/08/2011. This feels really risky for me. I actually asked Benji whether or not he thought I should share it because I didn’t want people to think I’m nuts. He said I should share it and just not care what others think…so I am.
First, a little back-story. God uses the number 222 to communicate with me (see…I told you I’d sound crazy). I always see it right before a big change is coming to us. I saw it the day before the miscarriage and ALL day long on the day it actually happened. I can’t really explain it and don’t know why God uses this number, but he does.
And the next explanation: the “request” I’m referring to in this entry is one that I made when I was 14. My step-sister passed away very suddenly in a car wreck and I prayed to God that he would never take someone away from me without letting me know first (so I could say goodbye).
Now that all of that is out of the way, here is the entry:
So there you have it. My journal is always there for me when I have weird things to write down that can’t be shared with anyone else 🙂
I know it’s strange, but I am so comforted by these two pages. God knew in advance and in a way…so did I. I was feeling a bit forgotten by him at first, but this reminded me that he is in this. He is right here in the trenches with us and always has been. I don’t understand why this happened – not even in the slightest – but I know he is holding us and for now, that’s enough.