Monthly Archives: October 2012

Two Years with Harper


I don’t really know how, but he’s going to be two tomorrow. TWO, y’all! Really?! It just doesn’t seem like it has been two years since I first laid eyes on my little baby boy. I’ll never forget that day.

Moments after he was born. He looks thrilled to be here.

A picture of me and Harp (on the left) compared to me and my mom (on the right). I love the (completely unplanned) similarities in these pictures.

I think this was the morning after his birth. So in love, and feeling like I had been run over by a semi.

And this was our first night home from the hospital. After being up until 5AM in the morning because the child would NOT sleep in his bassinet. We finally caved and put him in bed with us where he slept peacefully for 2-3 hrs lol. Itty bitty cuddlebug.

That first week was sorta horrible. I remember thinking I would never sleep or feel normal again. I cried constantly and asked “what the hell have I gotten myself into?” Ahh…hormones and sleep deprivation. They make for a lovely combination.

All of my mom friends who visited looked at me with sympathy. They knew what I was going through, and each would encourage me by telling me that the first five to six weeks are the hardest and then it starts to get better. I remember cringing each and every time I heard someone say this. Five to six weeks felt like an eternity. I wondered how I would ever make it.

And then I blinked and two years passed. Two years containing some of the absolute best moments of my life. Harper has been such a blessing to us. The more we get to see of him and the type of person he is becoming, the more we love him. He’s basically the bomb dot come in our book.

Now…I don’t want to make this a super long post, but I do want to write about some of the things he is currently doing. Not milestones or anything like that…just things that I want to remember.

So here goes.

He sings. All…the…time! I love it. He even has his own little tune that he hums whenever he is doing something throughout the day – we call it Harper’s song and we hum it now too. Some of his favorite songs to sing are We Are Never Getting Back Together (Taylor Swift), Two Tickets to Paradise (Eddie Money), his ABCs (doesn’t quite know how to pronounce all the letters, but he tries and it’s adorable), and Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.

He doesn’t wake us up in the mornings anymore. Seriously. I have to set an alarm because he will sit and play in his crib (without making a peep) all morning if I let him. He just started doing this when we moved back to Alabama so we’re going on about two months of it now. I set my alarm for 7:30 and always wake up to silence. And even though every morning is the same, and he is ALWAYS awake when I go in there, I still think maybe…just maybe…he will be asleep. But as soon as I open the door he starts cracking up, stands up and starts jumping in the bed. It’s hilarious. I have no idea what time he actually wakes up, but my guess is around 7AM. What’s crazy is that sometimes when I go to get him, he will lay back down (I’m so huge pregnant, that I can’t pick him up while he’s laying in the crib). I’ll ask him if he wants up, and he’ll tell me no! I guess he just loves his bed…a lot?

He’s a good great helper. For his age, he helps me out a lot. If something needs to be thrown away, all I have to do is ask him to throw it in the trashcan and he does it. He’ has even started throwing his own trash away without having to be asked on occasion. He helps me put dishes away (I just started letting him about two weeks ago). Of course, they aren’t always perfect, but I love that he helps. He helps me put my shoes on. If he knows we’re leaving, he will run and grab them and put them on my feet (I wear flip flops every day so that helps lol). He also helps with getting himself dressed.

He loves people. He will say hi/hey to anyone. He loves going to the park and running up to other kids to tell them hi. It’s super cute! I babysit another little boy (Cole) 2-3 days a week, and he absolutely adores him. He cries whenever Cole has to leave. It makes me glad that he’s about to have a permanent little buddy. I think he is going to rock at being a big brother. I hope he and Emrist will be BFF.

He’s still super attached to bunny, but he has now added two more to the mix – doggie and bear. I hope this means that if we ever lose bunny, we’ll have two good backups that can make up for it. Hopefully we’ll never have to find out.

His favorite foods at the moment are chicken, eggs, bread, clementines, cantaloupe, strawberries, bananas, cheese, cauliflower, cereal, and fruit gummies. His favorite activities are walking, going to the park, taking a bath, and reading books with daddy. He is constantly asking to go outside. He’s obsessed with our car (and with trucks, tractors, airplanes, helicopters, and trains).

In a nutshell, he’s 100% boy and he’s a kind person. I’ve been warned by many that he’ll soon become a monster (somewhere between age two and three) so for now, I’m soaking up all this sweetness in case it does disappear for a while 🙂

Finally…just like any cheesy mom, I made a video slideshow of pictures from the past year. Now…about the music. There’s this song by Watermark and it’s called Noah’s Song. They wrote it for their son and it says his name at the very beginning of the song. It perfectly describes my Harper, so I decided to use it for the slideshow. The fact that it said “Noah” at the beginning drove me nuts, so I just *had* to cut it out. That’s why the volume kinda fades in the very beginning. Just FYI.

I’ll shut up now. Here’s the video:

Hey! I Love You!

I’m actually posting about my hot, bearded husband today! I’m not sure that I’ve ever had a post JUST for him. I post about Harper all the time, but when it comes to Benji…well, I’d rather spare the world of the mush I have locked up inside my heart for him.

I think it’s kinda gross when people PDA online, so I try my best not to. But today, I’m stepping out of my anti “online PDA” box, and I’m writing about Benji in hopes of making you all gag. I just want to shout from the rooftops how much I love this man!

We were cute, weren’t we?

I actually decided I wanted to blog about Benji last night, but it was so late, I decided to put it off until morning. When I woke up, I noticed the date: 10/18/12. A very special date in my book! Benji asked me to marry him on this day, six years ago. How appropriate!

I’m so happy that he asked, and even happier that I said yes. I wouldn’t have dreamed of saying no, btw. I saw his awesome qualities back then, and I just knew he would one day grow a beard for me. Seriously though. I am SO glad it happened.

Last night, I went to bed fighting back tears of gratitude for the man that was laying next to me. I fell asleep saying silent prayers of thanks for him. That’s not the first time that has happened, either. Over the course of our marriage, I’ve fallen asleep or woken up in the middle of the night several times, with the sudden urge to just tell God thanks for him. He is seriously awesome.

Don’t get me wrong. We are just like any other married couple. We sometimes drive each other nuts. We roll our eyes at one another (he makes fun of me when I do it though, because apparently I do it wrong). We fight over stupid things, and we fight over serious things. He lets me know when I’m nagging, and I let him know when he has put Harper’s diaper (or clothes) on wrong. But at the end of the day, he is seriously the best husband I could’ve ever asked for and I love him to the moon and back!

So this is my post proclaiming it to the world 🙂

I love you, Benji! Thanks for being an awesome husband to me and an amazing dad to our two littles. Thank you for working hard, and for letting me live my dream of being a stay at home mom to our children. Thanks for coming home each day with a smile on your face and for suggesting we take Harper to the park, even though I know you MUST be exhausted from waking up at 5AM and working all day. Thanks for your hugs and kisses, for holding my hand when we walk and for still opening doors for me. Thanks for reading to Harper and praying with him every night. Thanks for your love and support during this pregnancy and for picking up the slack on days that I’m drained and just want to sink into the couch. Thank you for letting me be me in front of you without fear of judgement. Thank you, thank you, thank you! I love you so much, and I’m just thankful for YOU 🙂

Alright. You are all free to go gag now!

Son of a Breech.

Like that title? I did.

I had an “extra” ultrasound this past Wednesday. I guess that’s one perk to switching doctors and insurances mid-pregnancy: the new OBGYN practice wanted to perform an anatomy scan of their own, and the new insurance company had to pay for it since it was my first ultrasound under their policy. Nice.

I’m sure you’re all smart enough to gather from the title of my post that we found out Emrist was breech during the ultrasound. I wasn’t surprised. I’ve suspected it for a couple of weeks now just because everything feels so different compared to my pregnancy with Harper. Things are actually a little bit more, dare I say…comfortable? Sure…there’s back pain, but I’m not having to pee ALL the time like I was with Harper. I’ll take back pain over that ANY day.

We also found out that I have an anterior placenta during the ultrasound. This explains a lot. I don’t feel Emrist from the outside very often. I actually was beginning to think that maybe she was just one super chill baby. Umm…no. She’s just got a giant pillow of placenta (nice mental image, right?) in front of her, and when she kicks, it absorbs most of it.

I actually worried the day before the ultrasound that something might be physically wrong with her since I rarely feel her kicking on the outside. You’re going to laugh when you read this, but I started thinking that maybe she was a midget baby and her arms and legs just weren’t long enough to produce the amount of force that Harper’s kicks produced. I’m embarrassed to admit that I thought that. I haven’t even told Benji. Don’t judge me. Pregnancy makes you crazy.

So why am I blogging about all this? Well. Because it could lead to a repeat c-section for me (yippee!). And I just feel the need to write it out somewhere. The midwife said that if the placenta wasn’t anterior, and Emrist stayed breech, they’d be willing to still let me attempt a VBAC. However, with it being anterior, they will not let me attempt a VBAC if she does stay breech.  I don’t even know why positioning of the placenta matters, but apparently it does. I don’t think I would feel comfortable attempting a VBAC with a breech baby anyways, so it doesn’t really matter much to me.

It’s been two days since the ultrasound and I’m just now beginning to really process how I feel about everything. I’m 31 weeks, so Emrist still has time to turn, but with each passing week, the chances of that happening will get smaller and smaller. I have read a couple of stories about babies turning just before labor so maybe she’ll be one of those if she doesn’t flip within the next couple of weeks. Who knows.

There are all sorts of things that you can supposedly do to make a baby turn: acupuncture, inversion exercises, mentally imagining your baby turning, etc. But I’m just tired. I’m tired of caring. I’m tired of stressing. I’m tired of clinging to control I never had in the first place. I’m just tired, and I’m over it.

My birth experience with Harper was awful and traumatic. I’ve done so many things in the time since his birth to ensure that this one would be different (losing 50 lbs, reading, researching, using a midwife in place of an OBGYN, etc). And the thing I’ve recently realized is that this experience will be different no matter what I do. Regardless of whether I get to have a vaginal birth, or if I end up having a repeat c-section, this experience will be different. Only my attitude/perspective can ensure that it’s better.

I don’t know that I’ve every voiced this to anyone other than Benji, but here it is: when I had the c-section with Harper, I let it define me as being broken. As a woman, my body couldn’t do what it was created to do – give birth – so I have since struggled with feeling like something is wrong with me. I’ve been fighting for a VBAC to heal that wound, but I’m starting to realize that I’ve been looking for healing in the wrong place. Isn’t Jesus the Great Physician? Why have I been looking to a certain experience to heal my heart (and that’s ONLY if I get to have that experience) when Jesus can heal me, regardless?

For the past two years, I’ve equated having a vaginal birth with victory. I’ve equated it to a better, less traumatic birth experience. And that’s just not always true. A vaginal birth does not guarantee a better experience and it certainly does not make me victorious. Only my attitude can guarantee a better experience. And Jesus is the one who makes me victorious…not an experience.

So…this is me letting go of everything. I am surrendering to whatever experience lies ahead of me. I will live and I will learn. And hopefully I will be a better person because of it 🙂

The end.