Like that title? I did.
I had an “extra” ultrasound this past Wednesday. I guess that’s one perk to switching doctors and insurances mid-pregnancy: the new OBGYN practice wanted to perform an anatomy scan of their own, and the new insurance company had to pay for it since it was my first ultrasound under their policy. Nice.
I’m sure you’re all smart enough to gather from the title of my post that we found out Emrist was breech during the ultrasound. I wasn’t surprised. I’ve suspected it for a couple of weeks now just because everything feels so different compared to my pregnancy with Harper. Things are actually a little bit more, dare I say…comfortable? Sure…there’s back pain, but I’m not having to pee ALL the time like I was with Harper. I’ll take back pain over that ANY day.
We also found out that I have an anterior placenta during the ultrasound. This explains a lot. I don’t feel Emrist from the outside very often. I actually was beginning to think that maybe she was just one super chill baby. Umm…no. She’s just got a giant pillow of placenta (nice mental image, right?) in front of her, and when she kicks, it absorbs most of it.
I actually worried the day before the ultrasound that something might be physically wrong with her since I rarely feel her kicking on the outside. You’re going to laugh when you read this, but I started thinking that maybe she was a midget baby and her arms and legs just weren’t long enough to produce the amount of force that Harper’s kicks produced. I’m embarrassed to admit that I thought that. I haven’t even told Benji. Don’t judge me. Pregnancy makes you crazy.
So why am I blogging about all this? Well. Because it could lead to a repeat c-section for me (yippee!). And I just feel the need to write it out somewhere. The midwife said that if the placenta wasn’t anterior, and Emrist stayed breech, they’d be willing to still let me attempt a VBAC. However, with it being anterior, they will not let me attempt a VBAC if she does stay breech. I don’t even know why positioning of the placenta matters, but apparently it does. I don’t think I would feel comfortable attempting a VBAC with a breech baby anyways, so it doesn’t really matter much to me.
It’s been two days since the ultrasound and I’m just now beginning to really process how I feel about everything. I’m 31 weeks, so Emrist still has time to turn, but with each passing week, the chances of that happening will get smaller and smaller. I have read a couple of stories about babies turning just before labor so maybe she’ll be one of those if she doesn’t flip within the next couple of weeks. Who knows.
There are all sorts of things that you can supposedly do to make a baby turn: acupuncture, inversion exercises, mentally imagining your baby turning, etc. But I’m just tired. I’m tired of caring. I’m tired of stressing. I’m tired of clinging to control I never had in the first place. I’m just tired, and I’m over it.
My birth experience with Harper was awful and traumatic. I’ve done so many things in the time since his birth to ensure that this one would be different (losing 50 lbs, reading, researching, using a midwife in place of an OBGYN, etc). And the thing I’ve recently realized is that this experience will be different no matter what I do. Regardless of whether I get to have a vaginal birth, or if I end up having a repeat c-section, this experience will be different. Only my attitude/perspective can ensure that it’s better.
I don’t know that I’ve every voiced this to anyone other than Benji, but here it is: when I had the c-section with Harper, I let it define me as being broken. As a woman, my body couldn’t do what it was created to do – give birth – so I have since struggled with feeling like something is wrong with me. I’ve been fighting for a VBAC to heal that wound, but I’m starting to realize that I’ve been looking for healing in the wrong place. Isn’t Jesus the Great Physician? Why have I been looking to a certain experience to heal my heart (and that’s ONLY if I get to have that experience) when Jesus can heal me, regardless?
For the past two years, I’ve equated having a vaginal birth with victory. I’ve equated it to a better, less traumatic birth experience. And that’s just not always true. A vaginal birth does not guarantee a better experience and it certainly does not make me victorious. Only my attitude can guarantee a better experience. And Jesus is the one who makes me victorious…not an experience.
So…this is me letting go of everything. I am surrendering to whatever experience lies ahead of me. I will live and I will learn. And hopefully I will be a better person because of it 🙂