I’m only 37 weeks, but I decided to go ahead and blog my final thoughts/feelings on this pregnancy. I just don’t think I’ll feel like blogging again before Emrist gets here. I don’t feel like blogging now, but I’m making myself, because I did it with Harper, and that post is something I’ve enjoyed going back and reading over since he has been around. You can read it here, if you want.
So…what/how am I feeling? Calm, surprisingly. I remember being sort of panicky right before Harper got here. I had a lot of doubts and fears. Would I be a good mom, or would I totally suck at it? Would I enjoy motherhood, or would I hate it? What would labor be like? WHEN would I go into labor, and how? And perhaps my biggest concern: would Benji be able to make it in time (he was living in Memphis)?
For the last month of that pregnancy, I had several staring contests with the ceiling that went on late into the night, and sometimes well into the morning. My fears kept me awake often. Well..my fears, and trying to remember who to send a thank you card to, and what to put in my bag for the hospital, etc. I guess it’s unfair to say it was always fear that kept me awake. It’s a shame you can’t drink when you’re pregnant! That would’ve calmed my nerves right down 😉
This time has been completely different though. I have a peace that I never really had with Harper. I’ve definitely thought about the when, where and how of everything, but I haven’t worried about it like I did with him. I just feel like everything will come together and work out somehow.
I’ve also just enjoyed being pregnant this time. Last time, I was so anxious to meet Harper and to experience motherhood, that I wished the time away while pregnant with him. Towards the end, I REALLY wished it away because I was miserable. I’m not doing that this time. Don’t get me wrong. I’m miserable and some days just plain suck. I joke about evicting her and getting her the hell-o out of me, just like any other mom nearing the end, but truthfully, I don’t care how long she stays. I’d be happy to hold her tomorrow, but I’d also be happy to hold her in 3-4 weeks. When I look at the big picture, I see that this time is such a tiny portion of my life (even though it feels like an eternity sometimes!)…and then it’s gone. I don’t know that I’ll ever get to experience carrying a baby again, so I am trying my best to remember and enjoy every little detail. Even the not so fun ones!
Let’s see. What else?
I kind of expected to feel a little sad at this point, but I’m not. I had a period of “mourning” right before Harper came because I knew it wouldn’t just be me and Benji anymore. I guess I was worried about how a baby would change our relationship. I expected to feel that same sadness before having Emrist. I expected sadness over no longer being a family of three and over it not just being me and Harp together during the day anymore. But I haven’t felt any sadness at all. I haven’t worried about how Harper will adjust, and I haven’t worried about him not getting 100% of my attention anymore. I know he will do great, and will love having a sister, so I am feeling nothing but excitement. If there’s anything that would make me wish the time away with this pregnancy, it’s my excitement over Harper getting to meet his sister. He just loves people, and I know it will be the same with her. I can’t wait to see them together.
So. That’s that. I’m excited, hopeful and calm (oh, and my back hurts). Everything a soon-to-be mom should be feeling! 🙂