This poor blog is so neglected.
I had all the time in the world to update when Harper was a wee babe, but that just isn’t the case anymore. I feel a little guilty because I know Emrist won’t have the same level of documentation of her early days that Harper got, but this is just my reality. I no longer have the time.
While it *is* slightly more challenging, life with two has been pretty awesome so far! I expected to be completely blown out of the water when Thing #2 came along, but that didn’t really happen. Juggling came naturally to me. I think that’s because I spent most of Harper’s first two years of life babysitting. I got a little taste of life with two (and sometimes three) before I had two of my own. I also think it’s because I like to feel…busy. And you certainly feel more busy with two.
But still, some things have definitely been harder. I’m actually having to prioritize things now, whereas before, I didn’t. My days used to be fairly simple. I showered before Harper woke up, and I cleaned whenever he slept. I never really needed a nap during the day because I wasn’t tired.
Right now, I have one small (miraculous) window of time when both kids take a nap and I can do whatever I want. It’s usually just enough time to eat my lunch in peace, without Todd grabbing food off of my plate. After lunch, I can either take a nap, take a shower/bath or clean up. I have to choose between the three, and honestly, I usually choose sleep. I’ve never been a big napper, so the fact that I feel the need to sleep during the day is driving me nutso. I hope it’s just part of having a newborn + toddler and will fade as Em grows older.
But this is why I never blog anymore. I’m eating lunch as I type this. I haven’t showered today. There are Cheerios and toys littering my living room floor (we just need to get a dog). And all those things will stay there for who knows how long, because I’m choosing to blog over everything else.
Even though it’s been over a month since I’ve blogged, I feel guilty for doing this when my house looks the way it does. But if I were to choose cleaning instead, I’d feel guilty for not updating my blog for the kids to one day look back on. It’s a never ending wrestling match to be the perfect mom and I’m finding that no one ever wins. One way or the other, there’s always guilt.
But even though it is always there, I am getting better at not sinking into it. I’m finding that my children and my husband love me – just me – no matter the state of our home. That knowledge is so freeing. It gives me the freedom to rest when I need to, instead of running myself into the ground to clean up before Benji gets home. This freedom has also enabled me to get out and form new, beautiful friendships (Hi, Bekah!) because I’ve realized that relationships are more important than our laundry pile.
My picture of a *good* mom has completely changed in the last few months. I’m no longer striving to be like June Cleaver. I’m just trying to be me. And I’m hoping that years from now, when this precious time of childhood has passed, and the laundry piles remain, that I’ll be thankful for the days when I chose them over having a house completely perfect and in order.