Monthly Archives: April 2013

Midnight Ramblings

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Tonight, you looked up at me while daddy nuzzled his nose into your neck. He was tickling you. Your face was full of laughter’s wrinkles and dimples. You squealed in delight “Do it again, daddy! Do it again!” I smiled down at you, my heart bursting with love, as I committed your tiny face to memory. Motherhood is pure joy. And it is equally painful. This season is fleeting, and that’s perhaps the hardest part of it all. Not the sleepless nights, tantrums, teething or sicknesses. No, the hardest part is that it’s passing by at an alarming rate, with nothing to be done about it. It’s like water flowing through your hands. You can never really stop the flow. No matter how you arrange your hands, the water always finds a way to flow out, as it should, and disappear. And so this season of motherhood flows away from me. Each day, you grow more independent and you need me a tiny bit less than you did the day before. It hurts, but I also know it is good. Perhaps bittersweet is the word to use here? I am thankful for the nights like tonight, when I can feel God nudging me to commit you to memory. I know I’ll cherish who you are in the morning, but I also want to remember every little detail of who you are right now. I want to remember the way you look: the dimples that appear when you smile and your mint green eyes, covered up by those long, black eyelashes. I want to remember the tangy scent of a toddler boy, mixed with that faint baby smell that is all too quickly fading away. And I want to remember how you’re just tall enough to turn on the lights by yourself, but still small enough to fit into my arms. I want to remember everything. My hope is that when you’re grown, I’ll be able look back, without regret, and know that I fully cherished who you were today.

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To Mother A Daughter

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To mother a daughter. It was one of my greatest desires in life, and also one of my greatest fears.

The thought of having a daughter has always terrified me. I don’t know how you can want something to happen, and be afraid of it at the same time, but I did and I was. I had so many fears.

I mean….what if she turns out like this:

or this

or this

or this

Seriously, so many fears. What if she likes Nickelback or Creed? What if she hates Harry Potter? What if we have nothing in common? What if she is super girly and wants me to teach her how to wear make up? What if she likes the color pink? Obviously, I’m being silly with some of these fears, but a few of them are legit.

When I finally met my daughter, after years of dreaming and being afraid, I saw that I had nothing to fear. I realized that all I needed to do was let go. I needed to drop any preconceived notion of who Emrist should be and embrace who she is. I needed to model unconditional love to her. That one was pretty easy. But I also realized something a little more difficult. That I needed to give that same unconditional love to myself. Emrist is going to learn how to view herself by watching me and listening to the things I say about myself. If I stand in front of a mirror and say a bunch of negative things about myself, she will eventually model that behavior. Talk about pressure. I really don’t want that for my daughter, so I’m trying my best to change how I view myself.

One of my favorite songs right now is Elliana’s Song by Watermark. It really says it all for me:

Elliana, God has answered my prayers
Elliana, God will conquer my fears
To mother a daughter, to look you in the eye
To know that I had everything, to walk with you in life
To give you to Jesus that He would impart
The wisdom that I’m longing for to mother your heart
Elliana, God has answered my prayers

Whenever I catch myself entertaining those old fears, I start singing these lyrics. God will conquer my fears. And he does, every single time!

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