I’m Praying To Have A Disease

Earlier this year, I started to suspect something might be wrong with my thyroid. It all started around March. I had recently stopped using birth control because it was giving me a lot of problems. Benji and I weren’t quite ready to add Martin Baby #3 to the family yet, so I started tracking my basal body temperature in order to prevent pregnancy. On several occasions, I had a temperature in the 96 degree range. One morning it was even close to 95 degrees. On most mornings though, it was right around 97.0-97.1 degrees. After a few days of seeing what I thought to be incredibly low temperatures, I decided to Google it (as I do EVERYTHING) to see if it was normal. It wasn’t. It was an indication of hypothyroidism. No shocker there. I have a huge family history of thyroid dysfunction. 

My interests really peaked when I read about two symptoms linked to hypothyroidism: inability to dilate during labor and low to no breast milk supply. Check and check. 

After reading that, and a few other things, I was absolutely convinced that I was suffering from hypothyroidism and possibly had been for years. I had SO many of the symptoms. I quickly set up an appointment to discuss it with my midwife. I just knew my life was about to change for the better. I devoured everything I could on thyroid disorders in preparation for that appointment. When I finally went in, I had a full page typed up of symptoms that I had that lined up with hypothyroidism. My midwife examined me and said my thyroid *was* enlarged, and she also did blood work. Since I actually had a thyroid goiter, I was hopeful that this meant I was right and that the problem would show up in my labs, and would therefore get fixed. Wrong! So so so wrong.

My labs came back completely normal. Sigh. I can’t even begin to tell you how deflated I felt after that phone call. I knew something was wrong with my thyroid…but what? If everything was supposedly okay, why was my thyroid enlarged? My midwife told me that it was probably just “my normal”. I got the feeling from her that I might be making a mountain out of a mole hill, so I dropped it. Except…not really. I didn’t mention it to her anymore, but I did Google the crap out of thyroid disorders that can go undetected on your labs. To my surprise, there were several. I was most suspicious of Hashimoto’s disease. The internet was full of folks talking about how hard it was to have their Hashimoto’s diagnosed and how hard they had to fight for it. Blah. I mean…who wants to fight with doctors? Not me. So I basically gave up. I just didn’t feel up to it. I put my suspicions away. I changed my diet, and tried to “heal myself naturally” in the meantime.

I lived a few months like that, and some of my symptoms *did* get better. But…I still felt off for the most part. 

Then I got pregnant (Yes…on purpose).

And then I miscarried. Sigh.

I know, I know…this is awkward. I can’t believe I’m even writing about it here because I’m still kind of in the thick of it. It just happened last Monday. But it happened, and it’s part of this story…so…yeah. I miscarried, and once again I could not stop thinking about my thyroid. To make matters worse, I was having some swelling, pain, and pressure in my neck. Any time I turned my head, I could feel extra…neck? What in the world. I don’t even know how to describe it. I didn’t think it was visibly noticeable..I just felt like something was off. Thinking I was being a psychotic hypochondriac, I took a picture of my neck and compared it to one I had from June. My plan was to prove myself crazy, so that I could DROP IT. But I wasn’t crazy: 

unnamed-2

I weigh MORE in the picture on the left than I do on the right. But…check the neck on the right. 

So I called my midwife to tell her about the miscarriage and to talk about my thyroid concerns. She sounded totally annoyed that I called. I mean…it *was* a holiday, but still. Really? She was very dismissive of my thyroid concerns: “Your labs are probably still normal” and “that pain and pressure in your neck is probably not because of your thyroid.” Etc. There was no sympathy in her voice, only a tone that was suggestive of wanting to get the eff off the phone with me. I was completely shocked. Although she had seemed to think I was overreacting about the thyroid stuff back in April…I never got the sense that she didn’t care or wouldn’t do anything to help me. This time was completely different though. I knew I couldn’t trust her to help me, so I decided to switch practices. Exactly what you want to do when you’re having a miscarriage. Ugh.  

So I had an appointment with a brand spankin’ new OB on Thursday and she was freaking incredible. I cried during my appointment. CRIED, y’all. She didn’t make me feel like a crazy head for thinking something was wrong. Instead, she ordered a thyroid ultrasound and more blood work to make sure everything was okay. I didn’t even have to ask her to do it! 

The ultrasound was on Friday. Being the awesomely nosy person that I am, I got a copy of the report before my OB even had a chance to see it. 

Big ole’ fatty fat mistake.

I mean…I had prepared myself for what I saw, but when it was actually there…staring me in the face…well, I freaked the freak out. No…for real…I cried off and on for almost a solid 24 hours. 

Basically, my thyroid is full of nodules. Most of them are 1-2 cm in size, but there is one that is over 4 cm and requires a biopsy to make sure it isn’t cancerous. Ugh. Why, why, why did I look?! So now, because of my impatience, I am stuck with this scary news, and have no other option other than to just wait until my OB calls me!  

I’m praying my butt off that she calls tomorrow. But more than that, now that I’ve calmed down, and returned to being a semi rational individual, I am praying that I was right all along and just have Hashimoto’s disease. Yes…I am PRAYING to have a disease. I’d rather have that over cancer 🙂 

So…will you join me in this? Thyroid cancer wouldn’t be the end of the world. It’s one of the easier ones to cure, in fact…but still. I just really don’t want cancer in my body. AT ALL. All I can think about is how I would manage to care for my littles while going through surgery and treatment, etc. It’d just be so much easier if all of this was Hashimoto’s and I could just take meds. Will you pray with me? 🙂

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2 thoughts on “I’m Praying To Have A Disease

  1. So, first, I forget how alike we are sometimes… I do all the same things… Lol.
    Second, I’m so sorry for your loss. And I’m sorry that you feel like it’s awkward to talk about… It shouldn’t be. It sucks and it’s hard and there’s no shame in it. It’s not your fault. Jon and I felt so alone when we lost our baby in February… How do you talk about it? It weird people out. Just know that you can and other people’s weirdness is on them… Geeze, you just experienced the loss of a child. I’m here if you ever wanna talk.
    Third, in the name of Jesus, I claim understanding and healing in your neck right now. I thank you, God, that you brought it to light so that whatever is happening didn’t continue to fester. I thank you for the healing that you will bring, whether supernaturally or through the doctors. I pray for peace and wisdom and comfort because, especially right now, Ashley needs all of it. And Benji. God, I ask that you impart into him strength and stability and peace to be a rock for Ashley right now. Ash, with knowledge comes dominion… Now this thing doesn’t control you. Fear has no place because your in control now. Again, call me anytime. I’m praying for you.
    And, finally, your new OB. Is it crazy to hope it’s Dr. DiPiazza? When I found her, I cried. She cried. She gave me so much hope regarding pcos and finally helped me understand why my body was acting crazy. I was devastated when we moved…. Even if it’s not, I’m SO glad you found someone. I miss you, lady….

    • iMother says:

      Ash, I am so so sorry to hear about your loss. I had no idea! It’s heartbreaking, and there really aren’t any words for it. Just know that I’m sorry and likewise…I am always here if you need to talk ❤ Thanks for your encouragement and prayers. I really miss you!

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