Yesterday was an overwhelming day for me. It started off on the wrong foot with one of our kids crying from the moment they woke up until the moment we left for school. I honestly don’t handle moments like that well. The noise level and the frustration of not being able to reason with someone left me feeling very frazzled and overwhelmed.
When we got home from school later in the day, I was still in that headspace. I was desperate for some silence and for some time with Jesus, so I stepped out into the backyard hoping to have a moment with him. The door had barely shut when my youngest decided to follow me outside.
Harper and Emrist are at an age where they understand when I need a minute, so I can ask them to leave without it hurting their feelings. Theo, on the other hand, is very tenderhearted. Being asked to leave your presence crushes her spirit. I decided to let her stay with me, but I wasn’t happy about it.
She had no idea that I was feeling stretched thin, not wanting to hear anything, or to be touched by anyone. So it was comical that she touched me over and over again and that there was a constant stream of noise coming from her mouth while we were outside. It honestly felt like God was trying to push my buttons through her. I thought “this isn’t very funny” and wrote a note to him on my phone:
It was an honest question. One that was written out of frustration and desperation. And maybe even a little fear. How will I hear God’s voice if I don’t make space for silence? If I literally can’t make space for silence?
Though I do spend time with God every day, our time together is usually spent in the middle of the activities taking place throughout my day. I talk to him while I’m getting ready for work. I worship while I’m cooking dinner. I read the scriptures in the mornings. I do all of these things daily, but my family members are typically coming in and out of the room for all of them. Eeeeeeek!
Most of the books I’ve been reading lately have an emphasis on making time for stillness, silence and solitude. I don’t want to miss something God’s trying to say because I’m not being still. I guess I’ve been feeling a little guilty for not having regular access to these things in my life.
So what do you do when little feet follow you as you’re trying to sneak off to meet with Jesus in the wilderness?
I didn’t get an answer to my question yesterday, but I did today: “Do not hinder them, for the Kingdom of Heaven belongs to such as these.”
This morning, as I was getting ready and praying, I was overcome by a sudden desperation for my children to know and love God. I prayed and begged him, “Please call them and make them respond to you.” He immediately said “I’m not going to do that.” I stopped what I was doing because I was like…seriously? Lol.
He continued “I’m not going to make them respond to me, Ashley. That’s why your job is so important. You are my representative during this season. When you are tender towards them, they see me. When you are firm with them, they see me. When you are kind, they see me. When you let them sit with you outside, even though you are weary, they see me. When the time comes and I call them, they should be able to recognize my voice because they’ve heard it spoken to them their whole life through you. And if they know the sound of my voice and have truly experienced my love, they will want to say yes to me. I will not have to force them to do anything.”
DAY-UM.
Did I say that to the Lord? Yes…yes, I did 🙂
I also told him it was funny that I was hearing him now, in the middle of an activity, versus when I was unsuccessfully chasing after silence yesterday. He responded to me again and said, “I will not let you go hungry while you are feeding my sheep, so feed my sheep.”
Meaning, I don’t have to chase after the silence in order to hear from him. He will meet with me wherever I am and he will feed me, if only I make his Kingdom the priority of my life.
So there you go. It was a sweet revelation that I needed to hear, so I’m passing it along in case anyone else needs it too!
Wild & Wrecked 