If you’re pregnant, please don’t read this post.
Someone on the Babycenter message boards posted this story tonight:
I’ve pretty much been crying ever since I read it. I know Benji probably thinks I’m a nut. We were watching Parenthood and I was just sitting on the couch sobbing because I couldn’t get over this. He, of course, thought I was crying because of Parenthood. I ended up going to bed crying, and couldn’t sleep, so here I am…blogging, in hopes that it will get this off my mind so I can get some rest.
The news story was enough to tear my heart into shreds, but then someone posted a link to the dad’s blog (http://www.sadandchara.blogspot.com/) and a picture of the beautiful baby girl, Miranda:
It makes the story all the more real just to see her picture. Aside from the tubes, she looks like a normal, healthy baby girl. I want so badly for her to have a miraculous healing. I can’t imagine losing a spouse and a child at the same time. My heart is so heavy for this father.
When I read or see a story like this, I automatically put myself in the person’s shoes. I am constantly afraid of losing someone I love. I’ve literally had panic attacks because of this fear. I think this story bothered me so much because I’m afraid of it happening to me.
I have a confession to make and it’s rather painful for me to confess. I don’t share this with too many people, because it has the potential to paint me as a nutter butter, but here goes: if you’re family or a close friend of mine, chances are, I’ve thought about what it would be like to lose you and I’ve cried and begged God not to ever take you away from me.
It’s really hard for me to love because I’m always afraid that there is a loss waiting for me right around the corner. I’m just waiting for the moment when someone will be taken from me again. When Benji and I first started dating, I would have panic attacks at night because I was so afraid of loving him and then losing him. The thoughts would be so painful that I couldn’t sleep and I’d stay up crying. Part of me just wanted to shut down and not love, because I figured it would save me a lot of pain. It was something I really had to pray through. I ended up realizing that no one on this planet is “mine”. Benji doesn’t belong to me, he belongs to God, and with that being the case, God is allowed to take him at any time. This is true for everyone I love. Adding Harper into the mix has really been scary for me. With each person I choose to love, a wall comes crashing down, leaving my heart exposed and vulnerable to pain. Even though I want a lot of children, the thought of loving more is almost unbearable to me, in all honestly. It’s terrifying to think of putting my heart out there like that.
There is a quote from C.S. Lewis that I love because it pretty much sums up the internal struggle within me:
To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it careful round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless- it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable…The only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers of love is Hell.
-C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves
The last line is what gets me. It makes me want to love, in spite of the fact that I will likely get hurt again somewhere along the way.