Granny Snooks

Harper’s GREAT GREAT Grandmother went to be with Jesus today. It’s not often that you get to meet your great great grandmother, but he got to meet his, and I’m so very thankful for that. He met her for the first time over Thanksgiving, and she held him. I knew it was a rare moment so I shot this video and I took pictures:

My dad, me, Paw Paw Joe, Granny Snooks & Harper.

Granny Snooks was a lively woman, and she loved Jesus. I can’t tell you how many people in our family are named after her. She left a legacy…that’s for sure! She lost her husband  a couple of years  before I was born, and to this day, would still wear her wedding ring. I never met Paw Paw Charles, but I knew Granny loved him. Almost every time I went to her house for a surprise visit with her, she was sitting in a chair in her living room, with no T.V. on, reading her Bible. When I was young and dumb, I used to think about how lonely she must be, but as I grew older, I realized, she was never alone in that house. She knew the importance of spending time in the presence of the Lord. She was best known for her temper, humor, fried chocolate pies (that woman could cook!) and her loving heart. I like to picture her on this thing, tearin’ up the streets of gold:

I love you Granny!

Growing.

I watched some videos of Harper today that I made when he first came home from the hospital and they totally made me cry. He has already grown and changed SO much! I just can’t believe it. I already miss the little newborn things that he used to do that are no more. Boy…I’m glad I had a video camera!

This got me thinking. How am I going to hold it together when he learns how to walk, says “I love you” for the first time, turns five, goes to kindergarten, loses his first tooth, learns to ride a bike, plays his first team sport, gets his first crush, learns how to drive, goes on his first date, works his first job, graduates, moves out and goes to college, says he’s found the one, gets married, has children…etc. I mean seriously…I could possibly spend the rest of my life crying LOL.

Motherhood is breaking my heart, but it’s so so good.

Your daily dose of cute…

My baby sucks face:

A day in the life of Harper…

08:00 AM	Wake up – Grubtime
08:30 AM	Playtime
09:40 AM	Naptime
11:00 AM	Wake up – Playtime with Mommy
12:00 PM	Grubtime
12:30 PM	Naptime
02:00 PM	Wake up  – Playtime/Go on a Walk with Mommy
03:00 PM	Grubtime
03:30 PM	Naptime
05:30 PM	Wake up – Playtime with Daddy
07:00 PM	Grubtime
07:30 PM	Bedtime
04:30 AM	Grubtime
08:00 AM	Wake up & Start All Over Again!

So…this is what a day for Harper looks like. We started working towards having him on a set schedule around Christmas time and let me just tell you – it was one of the best decisions ever! We didn’t really have to do much, honestly, because by two months, he had really set his own schedule. Back then, he would wake up at the same time EVERY night – 2:30AM and 5:30AM – and I’m talking right on the dot folks. It was pretty amazing!

I love having a set schedule with him! I love it for three reasons: #1 It has given me my sanity back, #2 I almost always know why he is crying, #3 It allows me and Benji to have a set time together every night – 7:30PM until we go to bed. We usually use this time to watch our favorite TV shows, work on our puzzle, or read. It’s very refreshing!

That last reason is really responsible for bringing back my sanity 🙂 If Harper is having a particularly fussy day – like yesterday – I always know that 7:30PM isn’t too far off. Just knowing that really helps me get through the day sometimes LOL.

Although we were working towards having Harper on a set schedule two months ago, I didn’t really start scheduling his naps until about three weeks ago. I believe that having his naps at a set time each day has actually made a difference in the amount of time that he naps. Before I started scheduling them, he wouldn’t sleep for more than 30 minutes. Now he averages about 45 minutes to an hour, and sometimes he’ll even sleep two hours (I don’t let him go over that). Maybe 45-60 minutes doesn’t seem like much, but when you’re trying to keep the hizzle up, an hour is a whole lot longer than 30 minutes. What up?!

Okay…so this is a boring blog post, I know, but the main point of this blog is so I’ll have a reference next time a round. Since scheduling has made such a HUGE difference, I wanted to have post about it. Peace out.

Warning: Depressing Post.

If you’re pregnant, please don’t read this post.

Someone on the Babycenter message boards posted this story tonight:

http://www.mlive.com/news/jackson/index.ssf/2011/02/chad_cole_says_tonight_he_will.html

I’ve pretty much been crying ever since I read it. I know Benji probably thinks I’m a nut. We were watching Parenthood and I was just sitting on the couch sobbing because I couldn’t get over this. He, of course, thought I was crying because of Parenthood. I ended up going to bed crying, and couldn’t sleep, so here I am…blogging, in hopes that it will get this off my mind so I can get some rest.

The news story was enough to tear my heart into shreds, but then someone posted a link to the dad’s blog (http://www.sadandchara.blogspot.com/) and a picture of the beautiful baby girl, Miranda:

It makes the story all the more real just to see her picture. Aside from the tubes, she looks like a normal, healthy baby girl. I want so badly for her to have a miraculous healing. I can’t imagine losing a spouse and a child at the same time. My heart is so heavy for this father.

When I read or see a story like this, I automatically put myself in the person’s shoes.  I am constantly afraid of losing someone I love. I’ve literally had panic attacks because of this fear. I think this story bothered me so much because I’m afraid of it happening to me.

I have a confession to make and it’s rather painful for me to confess. I don’t share this with too many people, because it has the potential to paint me as a nutter butter, but here goes: if you’re family or a close friend of mine, chances are, I’ve thought about what it would be like to lose you and I’ve cried and begged God not to ever take you away from me.

It’s really hard for me to love because I’m always afraid that there is a loss waiting for me right around the corner. I’m just waiting for the moment when someone will be taken from me again. When Benji and I first started dating, I would have panic attacks at night because I was so afraid of loving him and then losing him. The thoughts would be so painful that I couldn’t sleep and I’d stay up crying. Part of me just wanted to shut down and not love, because I figured it would save me a lot of pain. It was something I really had to pray through. I ended up realizing that no one on this planet is “mine”. Benji doesn’t belong to me, he belongs to God, and with that being the case, God is allowed to take him at any time. This is true for everyone I love. Adding Harper into the mix has really been scary for me. With each person I choose to love, a wall comes crashing down, leaving my heart exposed and vulnerable to pain. Even though I want a lot of children, the thought of loving more is almost unbearable to me, in all honestly. It’s terrifying to think of putting my heart out there like that.

There is a quote from C.S. Lewis that I love because it pretty much sums up the internal struggle within me:

To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it careful round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless- it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable…The only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers of love is Hell.

-C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves

 

The last line is what gets me. It makes me want to love, in spite of the fact that I will likely get hurt again somewhere along the way.

 

Roll Out, Roll Out

So Harper rolled over for the first time today, and as a result, I’ve had the Ludacris song – ROLL OUT! – stuck in my head all day. Gosh, I love that song.

So yeah…HARPER ROLLED OVER!!! This probably doesn’t mean squat to you, if you don’t have a kid, but believe me…it’s a big deal! We were having tummy time and I decided to “help” him flip over a few times to see if feeling himself do it would help him to learn how to on his own. To my surprise, it worked! I flipped him over four or five times from stomach to back, and then I placed him on his belly to see if he’d do it on his own, and he did. Of course, I videoed and took pictures. I know, I’m a dork!

My computer is being stupid, and won’t show the video, but here are the pictures:

I’m one proud momma! I can’t believe he is already doing this. He is growing so fast!!!

I love the hood…motherhood, that is.

Before I get started, I would like to bug you and request that you go and “like” my friend Mandii’s photography page on Facebook (Mandii Marie Photography). After you “like” her page, go here (Harper’s Picture) and “like” Harper’s picture. I’m trying to win a free photo session for him. Even if you don’t “like” his picture you should still “like” Mandii’s photo page because she is amazing. She did my maternity pictures and they were truly incredible! She’s talented – like whoa!

Okay…enough of that. Harper is napping so I get about 30-40 minutes of downtime. I figured I’d spend it blogging. My friend Susanna asked me this past weekend what my favorite part of motherhood was. She also asked what my least favorite part was. It kind of took me by surprise because I hadn’t really thought about it. Sure, I’ve had moments where I think “this sucks” or “this is awesome” but I just hadn’t thought about what my favorite/least favorite parts of it might be. I’ve thought about it since she asked and I think my least favorite part is clipping Harper’s fingernails. I’m dead serious. I get SO nervous every time and those things grow like weeds, so I have to clip them every week. I’m just so afraid of hurting him. I hate doing it!

My favorite part? I still don’t know. There are just too many things that I love about this. I love how I feel when I look at him. I swear there are times when I feel as if my heart might burst. I love his smile and his laugh. I love holding him while he sleeps. I love feeling needed. I love his fake cry and his pouty lip. I love listening to Benji read to him at bedtime. Seriously…I could never pick a favorite, but all this did get me thinking about life before Harper and how much things have changed.

I remember how terrified I was in the weeks leading up to Harper’s birth. I was mostly afraid of the change that was coming. I just didn’t know what to expect. I remember crying to Benji one night because I was afraid of how our relationship would change. He was great as usual and just encouraged me. He told me that yes, our relationship would change, but it would be for the better – we would have to be more of a team once Harper arrived. He was right.

I’m seeing now that motherhood met and exceeded my expectations in many ways. I love, love, love it!

Here are a few things that have changed about me since moving to the hood:

• The news sickens me. I think about the world that Harper will be growing up in and the evil that is out there and I worry. At the same time, I have a hope that he will be a light in the darkness that will surround him.
• I’m less critical of my body. I have stretch marks and I kinda love them…a lot.
• My heart has softened. It was already pretty soft to begin with, but now it’s close to the consistency of melted butter. Before, it was about the consistency of mashed potatoes. I love mashed potatoes.
• I like hugs a lot more than I used to.
• I cry more often (you should see what happens when I watch an episode of A Baby Story).
• It drives me INSANE when my house isn’t clean (and it hasn’t been since Harper’s been around).
• I finally understand just how much my parents love me.
• My mom has become one of my best friends. She really knows her stuff when it comes to babies. I mean…she only had FOUR! I’d probably go to her for advice before turning to Google, and that’s saying something because I love Google! Hi, ma!
• Coffee. Yum.
• I appreciate silence, but I also appreciate the noise in my life. I like it loud.
• Before Harper, I thought it was mandatory to get eight hours. Now I feel blessed if I get four consecutive hours of sleep. Not only that, but I actually feel refreshed if I get that much LOL.
• Most importantly, I think I have a better understanding of God’s love for me. I know I can never fully grasp it, but I get it now.

So yeah…that’s it for now.  I could write more, but I hear a little Harp stirring!